I’m happy when my family goes out for ice cream, but it seems a little overblown to say I was filled with joy because of it. It feels firmer, richer, less vulnerable somehow. It makes us heartsick in the way rolling seas and careening decks make us seasick. Circumstantial happiness is an emotional roller coaster it can really take you for a ride. But happiness is unpredictable it feels vulnerable because it is tied to my circumstances. The tremors of the earthquake inside are beginning to break out.I love being happy. Dinner out, a new sofa, a vacation to look forward to, a little too much to drink. We allow it out only in small doses-just what we can arrange for. The option most of us have chosen is to reduce our desire to a more manageable size. But to allow it to be, to let it out is frightening because I know I’ll have to give up the control of my life. For forty-one years I’ve tried to control my life by killing the desire, but I can’t. I stand at the crossroads, and I am afraid of the desire. As we sat talking over breakfast, he put words to our dilemma: A good friend came to this realization recently.
The full proverb reads this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.” The road to life and joy lies through, not around, the heartsickness of hope deferred.
Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain to shut down our hearts is to die altogether.
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